Beautifully written and so very true ?

As parents, there's only so much we can do for kids

JUDGMENT was passed and I couldn't agree more. He was vile, scum, pure evil who deserved nothing more than to rot in jail for the rest of his life, while being tortured for every woman he had sexually violated, brutally raped and broken.
No truer words, or so I thought, could be spoken by the judge: “It's a sad world we live in when monsters like this roam our communities believing they are entitled to do as they please with no regard for the lives they destroy. Who is to blame? It can only be their upbringing, a lack of grounding and values these parents fail to instil in their children. These parents are as guilty as the accused are.”

The lady next to me broke down, sobbing until she couldn't breathe and was asked to leave the court room. I had just spent all that morning talking to her about life and other random things while we waited for court to commence, and so instinctively followed her outside.

She was neatly dressed, spoke with a gentle tone evident of a soft nature and absolute humility. It was obvious from the conversations I had with her that she possessed great strength from years of pain but was also not capable of harming a fly. But why was she so upset? I put my arms around her and tried to console her.

“You don't understand,” she said. “That is my son.”

I was stunned. A shiver ran down my spine. He was a psychotic monster, who stood there smiling smugly while the judge spoke. How in the world could he ever be related to this woman? It was just not possible, but he was.

As she sobbed, she told me how she struggled to bring them up and give them her all. She tried so hard to teach them between right and wrong, to be God-fearing, respectful and kind. She couldn't understand where she went wrong and blamed herself.

I listened to her, and a deep sadness filled me. Her son was judged guilty, but ultimately she was given the worst judgement and sentence. She was now not only the mother of a rapist but a mother who “failed to give her son the proper upbringing”.

I, myself, believed for so long that parents are to blame, but recently I came across incidences which made me wonder how true that actually is. I have judged so many people based on the behaviour of their children. In my reality, a child is a reflection of his parents, but how wrong I was.

A few weeks ago, a 16-year-old told me her dream gift was to get a gold slit for her birthday. I was appalled. I blamed her parents’ upbringing. Recently I saw a teenage girl with bright-pink hair and piercings everywhere, whose parents stood next to her, and again I asked, what is wrong with them - not the child - but them. How were they raising their kids? Disgusting!

I look at young girls who dress provocatively and again blame the parents. I see children bunk school, take drugs, sleep around, have terminations, steal, drink themselves sick, act irresponsibly and again I blame the parents. But, in their quest to provide, I see these parents' disappointment time and again, and when discipline comes in, then the children have more rights than the parents do and make it known.

As parents, we need to give our children tools, values and morals that will create the best human beings. We need to set examples for them that they can use as benchmarks to determine how to live their lives. My husband and I are completely respectful and upstanding people. We go all out to help people and be there for everyone who needs us. We live God-fearing and honest lives and think we impart that to our kids, but do we?

Today my son came home and told me he wants to put silver streaks in his hair. I was livid. I am totally against streaks, bleached hair, gold slits, thick gold chains and dressing like a rapper thug and yet I can see my son starting to embrace that culture. How? My husband laughed and said: “And now, what happened to your self-righteous upbringing?”

I brought him up by reading him newspapers instead of fairy tales. I made him listen to the greatest musicians of our time like Bob Marley, UB40, Queen and RnB. We bought him the best clothes and taught him that how he presents himself is a reflection of how the world would seem him. Somehow, though, it's all been futile. Instead, he could care less about the news, listens to music that doesn't even have words except for ddiidydeediideedddeeda. I don't even know what that means.

He dresses like a boy from New York City instead of the way we taught him to. And another thing, he has to be told to greet people despite the years instilling those manners in him. Then, I recently met his friends who referred to me as Tash, instead of Aunty Tash, and when I listened to their conversations and then checked the messages and content on my son's phone, I was stunned. This could not be my child. Was it his way of fitting in? What was he doing and where did everything we taught him go? I was broken. Where did I go wrong?

I realised that the product of who our children become is so much more than the upbringing we give them. It's actually completely and solely what they are exposed to outside of us - their parents. I thought about it more deeply.

I mean, look at our country. The current leaders were groomed by icons like Nelson Mandela, Albert Luthuli and the like and where did we end up as a country? In the muck and mire of corruption and greed and crime that knows no bounds. I was taken in awe by Dr Roy Naicker’s recent column: “Reduced to rags by their children.”

What struck me is the great love and upbringing this son had. He kissed his father every day, and they shared a close bond until the wife arrived and external factors, including money, became involved. There are so many similar stories. It's not from a lack of a good upbringing but from an exposure to the outside world and its superficial temptations which become better options, which then become their right.

I thought of my parents and my siblings. They had four children. My brother passed away, but the three remaining are like chalk and cheese. In fact, my dad sometimes jokes that he wonders if we were all brought up in the same house. How then did that same upbringing turn us into such completely different people?

It's because each of us became a product of the things we were exposed to outside of our parents, the challenges we faced and the people we met who impacted more on us than our parents did because we chose lives based on what we as individuals exposed ourselves to.

It brought me to this famous metaphor about the fingers on your hand. They may all be attached to one hand and share the same blood flow, but no two fingers are alike. They each differ in size and use. And that is exactly who our children are. We are the palm that holds them, but one may be a pointer, one a ring, one a pinky, one a thumb - all serving a purpose and one that will unfortunately best be used to give you the finger. And that is unfortunately not based on the roots we gave them but the branches they chose to attach themselves to, that gave them the right to be choose their own way forward. gold evening dresses

As parents all we can do is remember: We can only do our best and always choose life.

* REDDY is an entrepreneur, radio and film producer and the founder of Widowed South Africa